SIMON – LET’S TALK ABOUT YOUR FACE
I’ve always been attracted to older men. I see young girls today going all “fangirl” on the Justin Beibers of the world and to be honest – I just don’t get it. At 8 years old I had dreams of holding hands with Scott Baio, 12 years my senior. At 10 years old I had dreams of making out with Tom Cruise (I know – don’t say it), 10 years my senior. And at 12 years old to present day, I’ve had dreams of getting down and dirty with DD’s front man Simon (most recently Robert Pattinson –but I’ll save that blog for a future NSFW posting).
I think my fixation on older men is warranted. Some guys just get better with age, agreed? Have you seen Ben Affleck in “The Town”? Daniel Craig as “Bond”? Hugh Jackman in just about anything?? These men REEK of sex so badly that it sends my lady parts into overdrive! Of course I can’t confirm any of these guys haven’t had some “work” done… but if they have – someone has done a damn good job. They look GOOD for their age. They have wrinkles where wrinkles should be. It’s appealing. It’s sexy. And it suits them.
Now Simon. You know I love you. You grabbed my hand and gently squeezed while gazing deep into my eyes at the Barrymore Theatre in November 2007. It was a special moment for me and I know you felt it too. But Simon my love – we need to talk about your face. Something strange is going on above the shoulders and to be frank, I just don’t like it. It’s starting to affect our relationship and that makes me sad. Whoever advised you that a little nip and tuck would be great well… they lied. Please get a second opinion. You’re quickly going from boy next door to Kenny Rogersville and what you need to do it talk to George Clooney. You see George knows how to play the game. No one WANTS to get old (I’m filling out an application for Extreme Makeover as I type!), but Mr. Clooney knows how NOT to look like a freak. A little snip here, a little tuck there – it’s all done in good time. It’s not meant to be OBVIOUS and Simon, what you’re doing is TOTALLY obvious. It’s scary. It’s shocking. And it doesn’t look good.
Simon – again. I love you. And I really want our relationship to work so please hear me out. STOP. Let the powers that be age your body gracefully and when it’s time for an upgrade – call me. Let’s chat. I know you want to.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Who we are, where we've been, and the bands that fall in between
When Saint C and Lady Elaine starting talking about the 3 of us doing a blog, I began thinking about who I know that blogs and the purpose they serve. I have a couple of friends that blog and I read them both. One good friend talks about her own band and their experiences ...and the other talks about her experiences as a new mom. I get the sense early on that this conglomeration of musings will be very different.
We are 3 women with different lives and have a variety of opinions and thoughts about unlimited subject matter. We're not afraid to say what we really think at the best of times, and when the 3 of us get talking there isn't a lot we won't share. Although most of my friends would concede I'm likely the most vocal, outspoken and extroverted of the 3 of us, even still I wonder how ready we are, or how ready I am, to share what we experience or talk about privately in a public forum...assuming someone will actually follow and read what we write here. I guess we're about to find out. Here goes.
In the 30 + years that we've been friends, our lives have gone in lots of different directions. Each of us has moved to different cities at various points in our lives - in earlier years there were months and even years between our having regular contact with each other, only to find ourselves come together again about 14 years ago - all living in the same city - each of us on our own, with every possible opportunity in front of us. We've been pretty much inseparable since and haven't looked back.
Since then our friendship has seen marriages, divorces (mine), moves, the purchase of homes, heartaches, illness and struggles that come with age. We have had changes in our jobs, careers, boyfriends, and bodies. We've gained and lost weight together and apart, each of us has had other friends we've known come, go, remain, and even pass away. We've watched in awe as our sisters and friends have made the decision to have families, looking out at parenting from a distance in some ways with wonder and admiration - and in other ways as though it was some awful disease we were terrified to catch. It has to be said that the history between us runs deep and goes very far.
Part of what I love about our friendship is the continued pursuit of the interests we've had since we were young.. Duran Duran is the prime example. From our early teens onward this band (and several other musicians) have been an obsession we are completely submerged in. It's not only about the music but the men and the sex part of course... and in some cases the objects of our desire have remained as desirable to us as ever. It's something we've never "outgrown" and I'm glad for it. And for those who don't get it or understand, it's just not important that you do. The way I see it I'm just fully pursuing the things that make happy, glad to be alive and bring me joy.. not everyone can say that.
My personal obsession with musicians started early. The first real concert I attended (save for Donny and Marie with the Osmonds at age 10) was Bryan Adams, at age 13. Lady Elaine and Saint C were both in tow. At the time rush seating was the standard so we arrived early for the best chance to be at the front. We were crushed against the barricades by the crowd but I was close enough to reach up and grab Bryan's shoe. The next year I remember being camped out in the lobby of the Delta Hotel in search of Corey Hart. We went up and down elevators and stalked the hallways looking for him, only to meet up with his band (which they planted to distract us), while they snuck Mr. Hart out of a side door and out of the building. Bastards. At the concert that night once again we rushed the stage to the front and became bruised and battered for the best possible vantage point. It's the price you pay.
The same year I went to see a group called the Spoons perform at Flipside, which was a teenage nightclub I spent my weekends in. After the show a large group of kids mobbed their limousine out in the parking lot. I saw an opportunity and jumped in the limo, and shared a hot smooch with my favorite member of the band (he'll remain nameless on the basis that I was total jail bait at the time). At the edge of the parking lot I jumped out of the limo and watched them drive off, feeling like I'd been touched by rock and roll angels. That summer SaintC and I stayed up all night and left the house early to go see Tears for Fears, heading to the Saddledome at mid day to accost the tour bus. The drummer and some other band dudes showed up and entertained us for a spell, sharing autographs and chit chat. Then when Roland and Curt showed up in their own tour bus, all we got was a chance to grab their jackets as they shoved past us and into the building. But that was enough for me at the time. I got to TOUCH them.
20 years later when Saint C and I hit up the downtown core after the INXS concert, the strategy was the same but our tactics had matured. We had grown past waiting outside with all the other groupies, hoping for a glimpse of our target hopping onto a tour bus. We'd graduated to booking rooms at the nicer hotels and frequenting the lounges hoping for a drink or a chat with the band. At the time, new INXS front man JD Fortune was at the top of his game, (albeit this was short lived) and was definitely an object of interest for me.
At that concert we were front and centre and I was handed Jon Farriss' drumstick at the close of the show. While that seemed like perfection in itself, we still wanted the chance to meet the band. As it happened we stumbled upon the tour bus in the front of the Palliser Hotel and got the chance for autographs and a chat. With experience on our side, we came equipped with Sharpie markers and CD sleeves ready to be signed. JD asked us how we liked the performance and seemed genuinely concerned with what the fans thought. I chatted with Jon and mentioned I'd seen them live in 1987 back in the Hutchence days - I wanted him to know they had done a good job cultivating their original fan base. He seemed deeply surprised. We went back to our hotel after this chance meeting, completely fired up. I couldn't remember feeling more star struck in my life. That was until 2 years later, of course, when we stood face to face with Duran Duran in New York City on Broadway.
But that's a story in itself for another time. Duran Duran will always be the holy grail of our musical pursuits. While they continue to foster a massive fan base that is equally as crazy as we are, they play fewer shows in distant locales, and are far less accessible than other bands we've met. They cost us more money and time and travel than any other band. But the more difficult challenge makes the victory twice as sweet.
In some ways, we're still doing some of the same kinds of things we did at 14. Some of us (not naming names) may not be fully comfortable even admitting it - but while our identities are confidential perhaps they will cut me some slack on this entry. The appeal is that we can indulge in the same fantasies we had in our youth - with all the angst and passion we had back then carrying over to some degree...but now we have the money, freedom and means to do it properly. This interest has also bled into a love for lots other bands and for new and interesting music. It's a perfect excuse for the chance to travel to different cities, stay in cool hotels, shop and sight-see, see awesome live shows and get that incredible high that comes from being there. I don't know if other fans feel this way - but for me there is nothing quite like it.
It's about escape. And fun. And living life to the fullest. And staying young. Young at heart, anyways.
That Girl
We are 3 women with different lives and have a variety of opinions and thoughts about unlimited subject matter. We're not afraid to say what we really think at the best of times, and when the 3 of us get talking there isn't a lot we won't share. Although most of my friends would concede I'm likely the most vocal, outspoken and extroverted of the 3 of us, even still I wonder how ready we are, or how ready I am, to share what we experience or talk about privately in a public forum...assuming someone will actually follow and read what we write here. I guess we're about to find out. Here goes.
In the 30 + years that we've been friends, our lives have gone in lots of different directions. Each of us has moved to different cities at various points in our lives - in earlier years there were months and even years between our having regular contact with each other, only to find ourselves come together again about 14 years ago - all living in the same city - each of us on our own, with every possible opportunity in front of us. We've been pretty much inseparable since and haven't looked back.
Since then our friendship has seen marriages, divorces (mine), moves, the purchase of homes, heartaches, illness and struggles that come with age. We have had changes in our jobs, careers, boyfriends, and bodies. We've gained and lost weight together and apart, each of us has had other friends we've known come, go, remain, and even pass away. We've watched in awe as our sisters and friends have made the decision to have families, looking out at parenting from a distance in some ways with wonder and admiration - and in other ways as though it was some awful disease we were terrified to catch. It has to be said that the history between us runs deep and goes very far.
Part of what I love about our friendship is the continued pursuit of the interests we've had since we were young.. Duran Duran is the prime example. From our early teens onward this band (and several other musicians) have been an obsession we are completely submerged in. It's not only about the music but the men and the sex part of course... and in some cases the objects of our desire have remained as desirable to us as ever. It's something we've never "outgrown" and I'm glad for it. And for those who don't get it or understand, it's just not important that you do. The way I see it I'm just fully pursuing the things that make happy, glad to be alive and bring me joy.. not everyone can say that.
My personal obsession with musicians started early. The first real concert I attended (save for Donny and Marie with the Osmonds at age 10) was Bryan Adams, at age 13. Lady Elaine and Saint C were both in tow. At the time rush seating was the standard so we arrived early for the best chance to be at the front. We were crushed against the barricades by the crowd but I was close enough to reach up and grab Bryan's shoe. The next year I remember being camped out in the lobby of the Delta Hotel in search of Corey Hart. We went up and down elevators and stalked the hallways looking for him, only to meet up with his band (which they planted to distract us), while they snuck Mr. Hart out of a side door and out of the building. Bastards. At the concert that night once again we rushed the stage to the front and became bruised and battered for the best possible vantage point. It's the price you pay.
The same year I went to see a group called the Spoons perform at Flipside, which was a teenage nightclub I spent my weekends in. After the show a large group of kids mobbed their limousine out in the parking lot. I saw an opportunity and jumped in the limo, and shared a hot smooch with my favorite member of the band (he'll remain nameless on the basis that I was total jail bait at the time). At the edge of the parking lot I jumped out of the limo and watched them drive off, feeling like I'd been touched by rock and roll angels. That summer SaintC and I stayed up all night and left the house early to go see Tears for Fears, heading to the Saddledome at mid day to accost the tour bus. The drummer and some other band dudes showed up and entertained us for a spell, sharing autographs and chit chat. Then when Roland and Curt showed up in their own tour bus, all we got was a chance to grab their jackets as they shoved past us and into the building. But that was enough for me at the time. I got to TOUCH them.
20 years later when Saint C and I hit up the downtown core after the INXS concert, the strategy was the same but our tactics had matured. We had grown past waiting outside with all the other groupies, hoping for a glimpse of our target hopping onto a tour bus. We'd graduated to booking rooms at the nicer hotels and frequenting the lounges hoping for a drink or a chat with the band. At the time, new INXS front man JD Fortune was at the top of his game, (albeit this was short lived) and was definitely an object of interest for me.
At that concert we were front and centre and I was handed Jon Farriss' drumstick at the close of the show. While that seemed like perfection in itself, we still wanted the chance to meet the band. As it happened we stumbled upon the tour bus in the front of the Palliser Hotel and got the chance for autographs and a chat. With experience on our side, we came equipped with Sharpie markers and CD sleeves ready to be signed. JD asked us how we liked the performance and seemed genuinely concerned with what the fans thought. I chatted with Jon and mentioned I'd seen them live in 1987 back in the Hutchence days - I wanted him to know they had done a good job cultivating their original fan base. He seemed deeply surprised. We went back to our hotel after this chance meeting, completely fired up. I couldn't remember feeling more star struck in my life. That was until 2 years later, of course, when we stood face to face with Duran Duran in New York City on Broadway.
But that's a story in itself for another time. Duran Duran will always be the holy grail of our musical pursuits. While they continue to foster a massive fan base that is equally as crazy as we are, they play fewer shows in distant locales, and are far less accessible than other bands we've met. They cost us more money and time and travel than any other band. But the more difficult challenge makes the victory twice as sweet.
In some ways, we're still doing some of the same kinds of things we did at 14. Some of us (not naming names) may not be fully comfortable even admitting it - but while our identities are confidential perhaps they will cut me some slack on this entry. The appeal is that we can indulge in the same fantasies we had in our youth - with all the angst and passion we had back then carrying over to some degree...but now we have the money, freedom and means to do it properly. This interest has also bled into a love for lots other bands and for new and interesting music. It's a perfect excuse for the chance to travel to different cities, stay in cool hotels, shop and sight-see, see awesome live shows and get that incredible high that comes from being there. I don't know if other fans feel this way - but for me there is nothing quite like it.
It's about escape. And fun. And living life to the fullest. And staying young. Young at heart, anyways.
That Girl
Friday, October 22, 2010
RANDOM FIXATIONS - BOYS
WHY MEN CAN’T MAN UP
Let me first put out this disclaimer – I’m not the most experienced woman in the world when it comes to men. I’ve never married, I have no children, and my longest committed relationship lasted no more than a year and – err… a half. But I’ve dated A LOT - and looking back I know I’ve been fucked over by more than my fair share of guys. Am I stupid? No. Naïve? No. Maybe. Am I bitter? Hell yeah! I think all girls have been there at some point in their lives. You meet someone you fancy, you think they like you back, you fall hard, then after much pain and heartbreak you realize the guy was never really into you (insert “it’s not you, it’s me”…), had a wife or girlfriend(s), was gay, or was a complete all-round fucking jerk that everyone warned you about but you went for anyway (i.e. John Mayer – not that I’ve been with him but so I’ve heard).
I admit I’ve learned my lesson. At 38 years old - I’m pretty picky about my friendships with men and whom I choose to go out with. Roughly translated - it means I’m a crusty thirty-something bitch who doesn’t date much, drinks far too much wine, and who reads Twilight fan fiction in her spare time. Not that any of this is BAD – I think I’m a great girl who has her shit together – it’s just how I roll. And I know my friends love me for it.
So what got me thinking about the loser men I’ve been with and the many levels of heartache that went with said loser men was my co-worker whom I’ll affectionately call “G”. I wouldn’t want to reveal his REAL name, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Chord”. HA! So “G” is a royal fucker over of women, and a man who just can’t “MAN UP’ and tell a woman straight to her face how he honestly feels. “G” is a nice looking dude in his mid-thirties - smart, successful, and by most standards a pretty decent guy. But “G” dates a new girl each week – most are young (I’m hoping over 18 but you never know – groan), cute, and kind of dumb to be brutally honest. He’s up front with everyone but the girl of the week what his true feelings are – that she’s there for sex and to be there for him until he can find a replacement… yet at the same time he says he can’t wait to settle down. Seriously? I mean, what’s the deal? Why can’t a man just MAN UP and tell someone how they really feel from the get go? Honesty does not make you a fucktard. Being an asshole does.
Is the inability of a man to not MAN UP a disease? Is it innate? Or is it something a guy is taught in some secret boy school that we’re not aware of? Certainly science can cure this. One can pop Viagra to get one head going, can’t they do something about the other end? Could we offer a course at school like say, communication 101 for boys? Have them apply for a Puberty Permit? Offer an “Honesty Incentive” on your tax return? Geez – what’s the big deal? Why is this so hard?
So yes - back to “G”. I met said co-worker one day with the flavor of the week. Random hellos, how are you - no big deal. The next day at work he drops by my office and our conversation went something like this:
Me – Hey G, sorry but I forgot your girlfriend’s name. She seems sweet.
G – (snorts) “Girlfriend” is kind of a loose term.
Me – Oh – well you were smiling and laughing and holding hands. I only assumed…
G – (laughs) She’s a nice girl but she’s young so you know (shrugs)…
Me – Um… no. I don’t know. What’s the deal?
G – Well she’ll do for now.
Do for now. Seriously fucker? Really, I shouldn’t care but the crusty thirty-something bitch in me starts to rear her ugly head. I’ve been there. I’ve been THAT girl. It honestly pains me on her behalf but alas, I’m too polite to unleash crusty inner bitch on the dude while at work and oh yeah, my boss is right next door. I have to at least try and be somewhat professional.
Fast-forward two weeks. I meet “G” walking his dog the local off-leash park, and yes walking with yet another young gal. Not hand holding mind you, but I can SEE the tell tale look in her eye as she gazes over at him while strolling along the pathway. Seriously. It’s obvious. If I could describe it in song, Debbie Boon would be belting out “You Light Up My Life” in the background. Ugh. So here we go. Next day at work I run into “G” and our conversation goes something like this:
Me – So, new girl?
G – HA! No. Did you see the physique on her?
Me – Uh, sorry?
G – Well she’s a bit chunky. Not my thing.
Me – She’s really pretty.
G – Yeah she’s alright I guess.
Me – So why are you hanging out with her if you don’t like her?
G – Well she won’t stop texting me.
Me – So how did she get your number? Stalker?
G – No - I gave it to her.
Me - Why?
G – Well she asked for it. But she’ll get the hint that I’m not interested.
Yes. Because giving your cell number to a girl that’s obviously interested in you is the SURE way to send that kind of message. OMFG! Seriously? Can you not just say right up front that you’re not looking for anything romantic? How about wording something (hell - LIE if you have to!) so as not to lead someone on? Why do men feel the need to play this game? Tell them you’re not into it, you have a girlfriend back East – DO SOMETHING but don’t pull a girl’s chain because – dude – it’s just not cool. It really needs to stop. And if you’re some gal reading this who thinks a guy is just playing hard to get then STOP. Trust me. If he wants you – you’ll know it. They will MAKE the effort. Listen to your friends before your heart because sadly, sometimes that’s the only way. And if you’re a guy reading this blog who leads a girl on just because it’s how it is – then fuck you. Strap on the balls and MAN UP. I’m taking a stand against the random fuckery of women and rallying for the straight up truth. It’s time.
LADY ELAINE
RANDOM FIXATIONS - INTRODUCTION
Let me start by saying we are not insane (except for maybe That Girl but she was brought up ‘in the theatre’ so her craziness is justifiable), we are not groupies (um…well not in the biblical sense unless Lady Elaine slept with Simon LeBon and somehow failed to mention it), and we are not stalkers (people scare the hell out of me, why would I want to follow them around?). We are, however, Talkers (yes, I know it is grammatically incorrect). Big Talkers. TALK.TALK. TALK. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. That’s what we do…and it is not always pretty.
Sometimes we can become slightly ‘fixated’; either on a topic (how much wine is too much wine) or a person (I’m looking at you Robert Pattinson and I’m only a little bit ashamed) or a band (Hello… Duran Duran). And again, it is not always pretty.
So we decided to write a blog. It’s mainly for the three of us to chronicle our crazy years together and since we have been friends for thirty years there may be A LOT of crazy. Or not. It’s quite possible that we will be the only three people in the world who will find what we have to say amusing, inspiring or intelligent. And that’s ok. Truth be told, I’m still not sure if I want anyone to be reading this or not
(please tell me no one will be reading this).
And finally (just incase Mr. Pattinson, family members, Duran Duran or any of our psychotic ex-boyfriends stumble upon this) let me apologize in advance if anything we say offends anyone. All following blogs are strictly our opinions, our views and are meant to be taken in the nicest, most lovingly, bitchy way possible.
Saint C
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